Will I have it or not? What to choose...

Time to time it come to me...hunger for something particular... for instance my last illness is knitting. One day I just understood that it is winter! And what are we doing all long cold evenings... we knitting! Well, not all of us... but some people do. Why I'm still barehanded without half of the ugly sock proudly showing it to whole world? Something all the time counting and mumbling, quickly moving fingers... what can be more peaceful?

"No!" Said I to myself, I have tons of other projects to do ... But next day this thought come again and with sigh I decide to check what can I do, just something small to finish it and forget... I started to look at different designs of scarves and jackets and then even blankets and what do you think? Or course if at morning I was sure it will be new scarf, than at lunch I already wanted a white wool blanket which is 20 times more work...

It was so much of a progression in my wish, I counted it as not normal and that somehow it will be good to get sober and reevaluate it! Oh, nothing can make you sorry that you know how to sew, stitch or knit as much as shop with real prices for treads and other goods which you'll need to use... Good wool and in the required amount...may be faster and cheaper just to buy one? :) especially when I know I don't need this blanket. I just want to DO it, interested in process more than in result. So walking back and force there, calculating in my mind how much will cost me my white cloudy wish I decide to switch my mind to something else. If in few days I will not think of it as of wound of my heart, than it was nothing important. But if I will...sigh...I will be occupied till spring with my nice "little" hobby.

Why is it happen that little wish can grow in a whole blanket so fast and than blind by desire we ready to spent so much resources to reach goal, which will not change anything in our life, will not make our soul wise or heart kind. We have a lot of unnecessary things around which not make us happy even for a moment. Pleasure to buy will be forgotten under the bunch of other little and big boxes and packs. Joy of having it will last as long is it takes to put thing on shelve to forgot it and just rarely flip dust from it...

So, may be after all no blanket?...

Two ways of happiness

The other day I was thinking about happiness, what is it and how do you feel it? When you a child you always curios about something, always wonder all sorts of things around you. You easily getting excited and feel delighted about so many things… So easy to want something with all your heart and to be so cloudlessly, endlessly happy when you have it! You wanted something very simple ( a new toy) and when your parent, or kind and wise Santa bring it to you, it make you feel no borders of your own, you melt in happiness and joy. You want to hug and warm all world, so happy you are! It’s very nice to feel it, and it may take a very long time for you, to start look normal and feel all what is really going on around you (well, here always some dreadful oatmeal can come to ruin all your joy…but when you kid? It’s always possible). So you can be happy a very long time, before you’ll get back to normal life. But still every glance to your precious toy can give you moments of admiration.
Probably, same amount of happiness will bring you pubertal…with other things…or, should I say, persons?
On the other hand, you grown up and you still want to be happy. You want to have this great moments… but now everything changed. You already have your own money, you can buy whatever you want yourself and it will be ok. It doesn’t make to so crazy happy, and you will not jump and shout of excitement, it’s just good, may be great or even awesome, but it does not make you happy. At work, yes you can be proud of yourself. You may achieve great things and it comfort you and make you valuable in other’s eyes…but still… why you don’t feel happy? And it is the moment when you start think about it and decide to do something, to become happy… You read something, think and analyzing yourself or just go to psychologist, who “do it for you”. You want to be happy, and you will! (think you for yourself)
If every day you will smile in the mirror for a few minute, even if it starts through your teeth, your mind will fix what it see in the mirror and relax…so in few minutes your smile will become natural.. more or less same thing will become from your tries to be happy. In some time thinking about it, discussing this meter with friends will make you happy one way or another. But it will be different happiness, not this light and organic feeling of flight, but conscious and recognizable, self – motivated happiness. The more mature you become, more you try to make yourself happy through the things, spending free time in different ways and with different people.
So two ways to feel happy, at least two… and different levels and qualities of this feeling you may experience. They not worse or better - they different.

When I'm afraid...

What is usual reaction to fear? Run away, dive under the blanket or tuck your head into the sand? Probably it depend what kind of creature you are. Fears can be different as well. Boldness works for me, when it’s based on thoughts and tiredness of this particular fear.
For instance, when I was a kid and lived for summer months in the village, in my aunt home. There was her huge Caucasian shepherd. He was red, fearless and aggressive to everyone from outside, as much as he was kind and rage-less for his master family. Knowing all that and been there for few weeks, steel I was afraid to go near him, even if his leash was short at the moment. Everyone knows this fear of mine and kindly joked about it around me. But I didn't want to check what he thinking of me by experimenting with my hands... I liked them and they were mine.
One night I was outside alone, it was pretty late already and there were nobody in the twilight of the yard. At least, I thought so. Dog was out of his kennel, glowing with his red fur in the darkness. Suddenly, like a gust into my head, appears this thought "He will kill me or love me, right now!" Without delay I come across the yard and hugged him. It was ok for dog and huge relief for me. He accepted me and licked my hand. To nail down my success I patted his head and hips, I even tried to sit on his back (which was of course not possible, he sit on the ground to drop me down, I wasn’t a first kid who played with him after all) And when I was ready to depart this loud sound appear... Whoosh! In dead fear I fade at dog's side thinking that probably it can be just something unreal, because in any other case shepherd will sound alarm immediately! No, it wasn't! It was one of the closest cousin's friends, who knew this dog from his puppies’ diapers. That’s why god was so quiet. Coming from bright electric light I didn't noticed him in his dark clothes ether. "I thought you afraid of this dog?" - Was his first phrase to me. "You and everyone else! But, I'm not! We are friends!" Said sassy me (look like I were sassy from childhood) going home.
What works for me to fight my fears? Embrace your fear and meet it in open field... (When you ready) then you'll see, that you stronger and you can conquer it!

Everything which does not kill us, make us stronger! (Friedrich Nietzsche)

Walking with your dreams

Today I expected to have pajama-mood for all day and almost did... except that at night 9 or so it was hard to sit on the place..."I should go for a walk" was buzzing in my head. I tried to eat or drink something, but thought was buzzing so loud, no chance to avoid it. Angry at myself putted jeans and boots on and asked Zaika if she want to go with me, since other company I will not have anyway.

And here I was, on the way to lake with my thoughts in head and leash in hand. It's not the first time when my dream accompanied me in my walks. It's even nice when you can slowly walk and fantasize about something...other places, other people...how you'll meet someone or how you will be alone on the beautiful island. You can talk to yourself and tell all what you think, because there is nobody who can judge you, because you moving and every next step you already another person who will not blame this other one-step-ago person, just because it's already not you, but what you were secont, moment, step ago. May be it's why, when I'm walking it's easier to talk to myself and tell all what's on my heart. Whan I do it and sit on the same place...thoughts just lay one above the other and at the end there is no space for a new and fresh one.

Time to time any of us need someone else to listen, other days the best company - it's you yourself. Hard to screw up your relationships with yourself, it's just impossible.

So, I was walking and thinking, imagining and signing... angel, who taking care of me probably thinking I'm crazy :) good part is - he can't say it to me, may be it's a rule of angels to not show up to people. I don't know. Because if he could...he would definitely have a serious conversation with me. Not always I'm such a good girl now, when I started to think about it.

I was walking till my legs start makeing signs that I wasn't wearing hills for a while and they want to rest...but I didn't wanted to go home! It was so good outside in company of me :) So I just sited myself on the chain (on the fence around the lake) and was thinking and looking at water. Dark and look like warm, black water was whispering on different voices and splashing under the bridge. Nice and peaceful place. Way home I made very slowly, as much as I wanted some tea, it was sad to go home. More and more I like to be outside.

Well...not the last day, I will go again ...may be tomorrow.

And one strong flower...

Just few days ago was weekend. It was sunny and warm - good weather to walk in such nice area as we have here. A lot of trees and birds. A lot of pines (which I like a lot).
I was slowly walking in the park, was thinking or dreaming about something when my attention caught big and bright flower. I thought its light playing with my eyes, because tree where flower appear, looked completely dry and dead. I was interested so much, even turn from my way and right through the bushes followed to this strange and bright light of the blossom. Somehow it becomes my wish to see it closer and to have small part of this wonder.
Bushes were low but very thorny and I could feel through the thick jeans how they reaching for my flesh. Walking cautiously, I wanted to be closer to this strange appearance of nature. And even when was able to touch this big and amazing flower with my fingertips, still couldn't believe that it's real! Beautiful bright flower on a dry, dark and naked stock. Isn't it a miracle?
It often happen that we meet a lot of people on our way, coleagues, team mates, school mates, neighbors and friend of our friends....but how much of them just boring and common people. Sliding through our days with routine of daily small and big events... Month and month nobody can't catch our attention they like whispering shadows around you... nothing interesting.
We also feel ourselves like this dry tree - empty and tired, falling in depression or just thinking it's ok for today...and one more day of sadness...and one more. It can be a long time and nothing changes. But one day me feel so happy, with no reason, we just happy and one big flower open petals... and everything become interesting and shiny. People on the street smiling at you, everyone telling you look so fresh today, and you even don't know how, but you have attention all around. But it's easy just when everything starts...what will be hard, it's keep this flower and didn't let it close petals... Hard to be strong in anyway and always, but exactly this personalities always mesmerized us. People who have this magic flower inside.

Eternal Moan.

Just recently I was thinking that in US everyone want to be selfishly happy, when in Belarus everyone very tolerant to suffering. Belarus have very different culture if compare to US. What I mean?
Belorusian life is hard, for instance work. Work - it's a place, where you do something that you don't have fun to do and as days past you hate or just disgust to do your job more and more... till the moment when you practicly can't stand it. It's normal to curse it at nights when you back home. It's normal to work hard not in a way that it’s physically difficult, but in way that you don't like this work and not pleased with it. If you don't like skiing but do it every day 8 hours...you will hate it, at some point. When you working - you do it because you need money and because it's very normal - to work. After all you always can move back home and live with your parents... but you need to moan about something, so you keep working there.
At work we spend every day 8 hours. It's huge amount of time! And it comes to a point when you get up one morning and clearly understand, that you don't want to go there anymore. You just don't like it! You don't want to go in this horrible office ever again, see all this people, who in the bad mood because they hate their work, your manager (who look like he’s ready to kill you) and all surround sounds and smells of this place, 'cause it make your stomach bleed.
And here also fall with rains and cold and dirt everywhere. You need to clean all your outfit every day, because you just can't go anywhere like this. It's always cold, you don't want to walk. You watching all this nice commercials about autumn with rich harvest and tons of apples and pumpkins, about all this beautiful yellow maple leaves and smiling people in bright jackets and scarfs, kids playing in parks... When you look outside - it’s just grey sky, black depersonalized coats and umbrellas, yellowish-brown mess of old leaves everywhere and gloomy faces. It can't help you feel better!
All generations were grown up with this pattern of "moan" and environment which is poor satisfaction for eyes. All generations were raised to see wars, to lost beloved, to feel pain and to proudly suffer from all possible reasons during their whole live. If there is no war, you can broke up with your spouse and weep about your broken heart, or just quietly refuse everyone and all relatives will pity you. You can be sick with sensitive stomach, headaches or rheumatism to give them chance to say "Awww, you poor one!" You may even have a good job and wife but feel bad because of the kids, who make you almost cry. Think about something... Give them pain, show them respect - provide a reason why your life is so bad! You can't be happy all the time! At least give them a gossip that someone, who close to you, bit you when he drunk... They will know, you are friend, it's just kind of misfortune that you have a good day today...it happens. Laugh with them. You come home or met others, but you know that everyone in the same bloody life, everyone have their troubles... so spread your arms and embrace your suffer, collect it, love it and live with it. Be as everyone else!
On the other side, in US - you want to find job which you will love to do...it will be interesting and will pay you back with money and satisfaction! Everyone is happy, you like it and you want to be good at it. Your life is more for fun - to like what you are doing. Every day for 8 hours you do what fascinate you. Every day after hard work you feel good, because you did a good bunch of staff. You stressed time to time, yes, but you do what you like. At morning, when you come to work, you waving and HI-ing to everyone on your way, you look at this 'good old' walls, they already as home to you since every day your desk is your bastion for 8 hours. You having as much fun as you can.
Going out - for fun, chat - for fun, meet people - for fun. If you in a bad mood, or suffer from something - who would like to see your mean face? Who will need to pity you and share deeply your troubles? Who need it when they can turn their back to you and immediately have fun with someone else. You come home and you feel lonely... you had fun for yourself and now you don't ...now all you have - your problems, which you will not or just can't share. It's other culture...other type of people.
Also people in US know how to let anything go, in Belarus all troubles will be your fortune, you'll drag it with you all your life...collecting them as stonemills for your neck more and more till your head will dissapear benith it. I can't imagine way to explain somebody in Belarus how to let something go. I mean completely, not to think about it daily, stop worrying about it. Just let it go away and step in the other day. How is it possible to start something again, without turning back all the time and making connections with old negative experience. How to show them, that it's possible to live like this.
But when you can let something go too easy or too quickly it’s not good as well, you should go across your trouble, not on the side of it. Otherways you will let your expirience go away... Every time it will be even faster and easier... till the point, where you will almost don't care. It's scares, to think that some people live like this all their lives. It's like feed somebody with ice-cream giving him to lick just a tip of each serving and not more. You will see bright colors, fast pictures and not live, but slide through it.
Interesting to compare myself now and few years ago, what I like now, what I think, what I allow myself to do. Completely different cultures, same person adapting to it.

When I was little...

When I was little, ok fine...just younger. When I was younger, everyone call me a girl. I mean, when someone was talking about me, they referred to me as to girl. However, time fly fast and I didn't even noticed, when woman come to stage.
She quietly climb in dark corner there, on the back and waited for her time. And look like her time is here...
I didn't caught that moment of time when from girl I become woman. It makes me feel warm and a bit sad, as if you saw summer just day ago and next morning you already smell changes and see first yellow life on the trail around your home. You can definitely say, that it's a new season nocking in your door. You was in your teens one day and now - it's gone, you was girl and now all we can see - it's a woman. May be still left few of them 'chosen ones', who will see little girl in me. Even through glasses, wrinkles and warm autumn shawl.
In my teens, I worked in grocery shop for summer where was colleague of mine, lady who "saw a lot in her life" with grey hair which she died in white. One day she was counting loafs when young man come and ask her for one with next entering "Excuse me, young lady, can I have one loaf of bread?" and when she was turning, he corrected himself "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I didn't noticed, you even younger than I thought!" she start giggling, she was so happy all day after that. And I find myself deep in thoughts "what was that" a compliment, joke or nothing at all? Does he wanted to make her day and mood better, wanted to have his bread faster, or he really misjudged her (which is impossible)...
And maybe one day, when I'll become an old wrinkled gargoyle and will toddle across the street, one bright young gentle man in suite and rounded glasses will offer me hand to help. He'll look right in my eyes and smile at me and I will know for sure, he smiling to this young and fast footed me, who always inside… in her 16, in short dress, with her wide opened eyes and soul to everything new and everything what will happen with her. But now, in present, I will smile with my toothless gums back to him. Will limp with support of his hand to other side of the street and there will stay leaning to street light for good half an hour, resting and smiling to myself remembering this young nimble me in forests, fields and with friends. And who knows, maybe I'll feel happy and young this half an hour...and then, will continue toddle to mind my business, although what kind of a business I can have at this age... I'll continue to creep to warm embrace of my inevitable death.
But just woman for now… and all that will be later.

Если ты большая девочка - If you a big girl

Если ты маленький, то все что ты делаешь сам, приносит тебе радость. Ковыряешь в песке палкой - радость, мыльные пузыри - радость, смотреть за кузнечиком, играть с листочком, рисовать, высунув кончик языка. Так просто и в то же время, приносит удовольствие, и что очень удачно - никому не мешает!
Потом, ты вырастаешь и радости становится еще больше, потому что теперь ты еще яснее понимаешь, чего ты хочешь... Ну, то есть, не все понимаешь, но то что понимаешь, делаешь!
Хорошо быть большой девочкой! Когда ты можешь делать то, что ты хочешь. И даже если от этого кому-то хорошо, (ну бывает так) то, тебе-то все равно лучше!! Ведь это ты делаешь то, что хочешь! Ну, вот, любишь ты печь торты и всем от этого вкусно, но ведь тебе-то лучше всех! Ты ведь наслаждаешься процессом! И результат твоих трудов, только радует тебя еще больше - сплошной позитив. До - в предвкушении, когда ты дразнишь себя, что вот-вот ты уж будешь печь торт, в процессе - когда ты, собсна, это делаешь и радуешься, ну и после - когда результат, только добавляет счастья к твоей, и так уж расплывшейся в улыбке от уха до уха, физиономии.
Мне нравится быть большой, находить то, что я люблю делать, и уж взявшись, утопать... растворяться в процессе и не приходить в сознание как можно дольше.
В последнее время, я задумалась что не так уж мало я люблю делать. И это значит, что я стала большой и мудрой (ну, по крайней мере, я так думаю), потому что теперь, я стараюсь находить, эти самые вещи - которые люблю делать!


If you little, that mean all what you doing, (when you want it yourself) will bring you joy. You can poking in the ground with stick - it's a joy, can make soup bubbles - it's joy, observe grasshopper life, play with life, draw with tip of your tongue sticking out. It's so simple and at the same time bringing you so much joy and, (what is very fortunate) don't bother to anyone around!
Then you grow up, become mature and have even more amusement, because now you know even better what you want... Well, you still don't understand all what you want, but part which you already know, you'll do.
It's so good to be a big girl! Then you can do all you desire, even if it's at the same time brings joy to someone else (it happens time to time) but it's you, who feel better than others, because it's you, who received what you wanted! For instance, you like to bake cakes, and everyone lucky to have them fresh and tasty (good for them), but even here, your are the winner! Because not just you'll enjoy during the process, also result of your work will make you even happier - just all best things at once. Even before you'll start - you already slightly teasing yourself, that soon you'll bake cake and you like idea of it so much, during the process - when you do it and having a lot of fun, and afterwards - when result make you feel so happy and make smile on your face even wider. Although, it already was from ear to ear.
I like to be big, like finding new things, what I'd love to do. And when I start doing them, want to just drawn in it, melt in the process and don't get fully conscious as long as I can.
Recently, I start think that it's a great deal of staff I like to do. It means that I become mature and wise (at list, I think so) and now, I'm trying to find even more thous things!

Как мне хотелось поплакать - How I wanted to cry

Как-то недавно, мне захотелось поплакать. Не потому, что была какая-то причина или я больно ударилась, нет! Просто, вот пришло в голову, а не поплакать ли мне? Это же очень девочкина вещь - поплакать. На Земле ведь, только мальчики, которым нельзя и мы, а нам можно! Вот и отчего бы не поплакать тогда? Некоторые, это даже красиво делают, перед камерой или в спектаклях. Поднимают глаза к небу и вопрошая почему ж все так или эдак, наполняют глаза слезами. Красиво, когда они не проливают слезы из глаз, а просто, вот так стоят и вопрошают ими полными воды, ну а потом уж первая, крупная и почти круглая слеза должна картинно сползти по бархатистой и круглой щечке (это важно, чтоб красиво). Потом, слезы должны красиво катиться из глаз, оставляя следы. Можно, чтобы немного размазалась тушь, но тоже, чтоб красиво и трагично... У некоторых еще выть получается, но так, драматично-прекрасно...и чтобы понятно, что по причине, не просто так мокроту разводят!
Можно еще стонать или кашлять - это уже не для красоты, а когда совсем-совсем плачут... сильно. Но, ведь это все в кино! Там все мило, и с гримом и много раз одно и то же, а потом монтаж и все так замечательно и картинно!
А ведь в жизни-то, редко кто так выдержанно и благородно плачет! Ревут! Просто размазывают косметику по лицу, кулачками растирают тушь по щекам и громко хлюпают носом. А если еще в глаза попадет косметика и начнет щипать, а у кого линзы, а у кого нос распух и лицо красное. А кривой рот и это ужасное карканье слезами и всхлипами...
Вобщем, с чего я начала... с того, что и сама уж подумала, а не поплакать ли мне? Я девочка, мне можно... и вообще не плакала давно! И вот значит, подговилась я плакать: подумала что буду плакать, потом приоткрыла рот, чтоб значит рыданиям моим сподручней вылетать было, и как-то, даже напрягла что-то внутри немного (около диафрагмы)... Выдохнула и попробовала еще раз...никак!
Вот, носом могу посопеть, поныть немного, но плакать невыходит... Может я разучилась? Может, моя шкурка огрубела настолько, что я уж и поплакать не могу без причины? И вот, думаю...как глупо и странно все это - то, что я пытаюсь делать с собой. Хотя, может оно и хорошо, пробовать себя... плакать, когда нет причины, чтобы потом, когда она будет, не тратить на это время.
И вот она я, сижу и улыбаюсь, тому что не плачу :)


Some time ago I decided to cry a bit. Not because I had reason or hit myself painfully, no! It just comes to my mind, that I can do it. It is very girlish thing - to cry. On the Earth we have just boys - who can't cry, and girls - who can and more than that, have all rights to do it! So, why not? Some people can cry masterly in front of camera or during the play. Look up into the sky, asking why this or that happen, slowly filling their eyes with tears. Beautiful, when they don't let tears go down, but with this watery eyes just standing there, and a bit later let the first, big and almost rounded tear slowly creep down on a plump velvety cheek (it's important for process beauty). Then, tears can lovely roll down leaving their wet traces. Mascara can moist a bit, but is should look nice and tragically... Some people can even weep, but lightly and dramatically-gallant, to show that they have reason...and it's not just simple moist! It is possible to groan or coughing but it's not so much for beauty, but when there is real hard sobbing. But all this just for movie! All this look lovely, and with makeup, professionals and a lot of tries for same scene, then long montage process and all ending up so wonderful and picturesque.
But in real life, rarely when somebody so mannerly and nobly crying! They weeping! Rubbing makeup all over their faces, with fists smudging mascara on their cheeks and sobbing, shaking their body. In addition to this, some makeup can get wet and make eyes soring, may flow under the contact lens... Somebody will have bloated nose and face become red, and this ugly crocked mouth, and this terrible coughing croaks and sobs...
So, where were we...oh, yes I was thinking, why wouldn't I cry a bit myself? I'm a girl, and have all rights to do this, also it was long ago, since I remember I did it last time! And I were getting ready to cry: thought what I'll do it, slightly open my mouth to make it easier for sobs to came out and even pushed a bit from inside, somewhere close to diaphragm...sight and tried once again...nothing!
I can sob with my nose, whine a bit, but I can't cry...May be I just unlearn how to do it?
May be, my skin become so rough that I can't cry with no reason?
And here I am, thinking how silly and strange all this...all what I'm doing to myself. On the other side, maybe it's good to try... to make myself crying with no reason and get over it quickly when I'll get one.
And now I'm here sitting, smiling that I'm not crying. :)

Почему мята? - Why Mint?

И вот для чего мне понадобился блог? Я же уже пишу на одном!
- А все потому, что это мои мысли и их надо куда-то излить. А то, поди, место в голове закончится и новым будет просто некуда прилететь.
А почему мята?
- Потому, что я буду писать о том, что свежо сейчас в голове. А может случится иначе и я буду писать все подряд, и не только о себе.
Кто знает? (не надо говорить, что я!)

Why I decide to start a new blog? I already have one where I'm posting!
- It is because of my thoughts, I need some place where to put them. If the will be no more free space in my head, new thoughts will just find no place where to come.
And why mint?
- Because I will post something what fresh in my head. Or, maybe I'll write about everything and not just about me.
Who knows? (don't tell it's me!)